Floyd the American


Waiting at the gate for my flight from Detroit to St. Louis I met a man named Floyd Miller. This was my first extended conversation with an American since landing in the US and I am thoroughly convinced now that Americans are insane.

Things Floyd Says:

[seeing my Kindle] “What kind of tablet is that? I have a kindle – I bought it for playing games. I also have an iPad. I bought my girlfriend a Nexus – the couple sitting next to me on the last flight said ‘you should ask that girl to marry you.” Me: “would you?” Floyd: “Yeah! She’s 70 and I just turned 69. And we’ve been together for the past 11 years. No woman has made me feel like this. I hug her and I melt.”

“And because you’re such a nice girl…” Floyd pulls out a stack of cash one inch thick and begins peeling off a 2-dollar bill for me; I protest that it’s completely unnecessary. “No, it’s my retirement and I’ll spend it how I want!”

“You can’t take it with you, so you might as well spend it.”

“Do you know the Touches [iTouches] I have four of them.” Floyd begins pulling them out of his breast pockets. “There’s one…there’s another…” Me: “What do you do with four of them?” Floyd: “Well that one was only $400; and I wanted this one. Then I lost one and got a new one. Then I lost another and got a new one.”

“Are you a PC person?” Me: “No, I’m a mac.” Floyd: “HA! This apple laptop is four years old. I like it but I need classes to know how to use it.”

“A man needs his toys, am I right?”

“You know what I should do – I should pull up the home paper and read the obits…”

Floyd pulls out a bag of peppermint patties. “Do you want a mint? Take 2, take 2. Take 3, then you won’t run out.”


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